Charlie Sheen is Losing His Cool

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Ever wonder who Charlie calls at 5:22 A.M., who tells him that, should the cops ever wander into his dungeon of pleasures, it would be a smashing good idea to tell them, "My fangs are dripping with tiger blood"? Somewhere Alexander Graham Bell is spinning in his grave so hard, it's throwing off the Earth's rotation.

In a move that's got the entire world wishing we had a blender big enough to fit Lindsey Lohan and Charlie Sheen in it, Charlie lost custody of his children recently after the police arrived at his house to find him, yet again, frolicking through the mists of a drug-induced stupor and claiming it's a good thing Brooke has moved out, because he wanted to live "parcecs" away from her, anyway.

Despite the white-hot joy that many feel for the Star Wars reference, the fact that the same guy who was incredibly hot in Ferris Bueler's Day Off thinks that a parcec is a reasonable unit of measure to quote to police officers has left most questioning whether 2012 really will be the end of the world. A reverse phone search through the numbers in his phone would be a riot.